Oz Saves Xander from Evil Lemmings
by Just Wolf
Summary: Lemmings want vengence! and Oz saves the day... [Don't read if you don't like mm and an excessive use of the word lemming]
1. Which Invovles Lemmings and Kissing

Oz Saves Xander from Evil Lemmings  
  
No one expected an attack of evil lemmings. I mean, it's just not something you'd think of. Xander was pretty sure he must have once made a joke about it. It seemed the only possible explanation. He had made a lemming-related joke; those suicidal fuckers had got offended, and come to seek revenge. Giles had done a lot of research, but even he didn't have a better theory. Lemmings wanted Xander dead. Just saying it sounded stupid.  
  
But there he was, in the back of Oz's van, hoping that the lemmings wouldn't get to him, and peering anxiously out the window. His only hope was to run. Even Buffy couldn't fight these. I mean, sure, singularly they're small and cute and can't put up much of a fight (even if they do carry knives) but there's strength in numbers, and that's totally what the lemmings had. Numbers. There were millions of them. It was worse than the bringers, or the borg.  
  
"Are you scared?" Oz asked him, suprisingly breaking the uneasy silence.  
  
"Only in the sense that I'm petrified," Xander replied.  
  
"And they're so cute, too," said Oz. It was true. That was another way the lemmings were completely unlike anything they'd ever faced before. They were spherical, yellow, and had cute little squeaky voices, even if they did mostly talk about blades.  
  
"I'll tell them that you said so, while they're chopping me into little pieces," Xander said.  
  
Oz drove a little faster, just to make Xander feel better. Xander peered out the window again, into the murky night. There wasn't any sign of the spherical fuckers (as Xander so sweetly thought of them) but he was sure they were out there somewhere. Being small. And cute. And suicidal. And homicidal. He hoped things were okay in Sunnydale. He was glad that Oz had offered to drive him. Willow would have drove him nuts in a crisis like this, and Buffy's bad driving made him feel sick. Nah, Oz was definitely what he needed. He was all calm.and short and cute, much as Xander hated to admit he thought it.  
  
"We'll stop here?" Oz said, slowing beside a small motel.  
  
"Are you sure it's far enough away?" Xander asked, nervously gnawing his lip. Gnawing. Lemmings were gnawers. He shuddered involuntarily.  
  
"These guys have really got you rattled," Oz said pulling in.  
  
"They're just so.small and evil.and cute," Xander replied. "It's so wrong."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll protect you," Oz said. "I'm a wolf."  
  
"Not now, you're not."  
  
"Well, I'm strong and silent," Oz replied, chuckling. He locked the car as Xander grabbed his backpack and they headed for reception.  
  
The owner eyed them for a few minuets and said that there was only one room, with a double bed, no less. After a few seconds deciding (and, of course, only a few seconds cos we already know Xander has a thing for Oz) they took their key and headed for the room.  
  
"No lemmings," Oz said, quickly checking in likely lemming hiding spots. They were very fond of shower cubicles. They probably saw Psycho a few times too many.  
  
Xander flopped down across the bed, saying "oh thank God." He heard Oz in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and moving around. Xander closed his eyes, feeling exhausted. He hadn't been able to relax in a lemming-free environment for days. He spread out further across the bed as he began to drift off.  
  
"Hey," he distantly heard Oz say, "move over to your own side."  
  
Xander forced his eyes open, noting that Oz was only wearing a pair of boxers. "Make me," he said, suddenly smiling.  
  
Oz laughed. "I can see you've relaxed." He lay down onto the bed, half on top of Xander, and began to tickle him. Xander involuntarily squirmed away, writhing under Oz's hands, which seemed much practised. Xander lolled over the whole bed, stretching out his arms and giving Oz more space, but determined to take possession of the bed. Oz straddled Xander, getting him under his arms, and Xander convulsed under him, giggling helplessly.  
  
Oz pressed his forehead against Xander's. "Give in?" he said.  
  
"No," Xander tried to say, but somehow his lips ended up getting caught with Oz's. They melded together, their mouths hot against each other's. It was different to anything that Xander had felt before. Nicer. Oz groaned a little in the back of his throat, opening his mouth and allowing Xander's tongue to probe inside. They pressed their bodies against each other; both feeling unbelievably turned on.  
  
Oz leant away after a few minuets of sweaty snogging. "Shit," he whispered.  
  
Xander bit his lip nervously. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing," Oz said, "Let's just get some sleep."  
  
Oz turned away from him, taking up a surprisingly small amount of room in the large bed. Xander lay next to him, trying to sleep. It was hard, now, even after his previous tiredness. He watched Oz's sleeping form, wanting to press himself up against Oz's back, but he lay still, and watched the moonlight. Oddly, he wasn't worrying about lemmings anymore. 


	2. Oz Kills Lemmings with A Towel ect

Part the Second  
  
In which Oz Kills Lemmings with a Towel and Then They Snog Some More (Oz and Xander, that is, not Oz and the lemmings. Ew.)  
  
The next morning a whole bunch of lemmings appeared underneath the bedroom window, squeaking and shouting incoherently, rolling their spherical selves on the ground, and brandishing shiny shiny blades. Xander groaned loudly. "No, no again, let me pretend it isn't happening..."  
  
Oz looked up at him. "That isn't a very brave way to go into battle," he said.  
  
"I'm not brave" Xander said angrily. "Do I look brave? Have I ever done one single brave thing?"  
  
Oz shrugged. "Nope." He paused. "You do know that most guys would be offended by being told they weren't brave, not the other way around?"  
  
"I'm not other guys! I'm the guy who's being chased by evil homicidal lemmings! Who else can say that?"  
  
"Yeah, you've definitely got a monopoly there, alright," Oz said, peering out the window.  
  
"Do you think they can get up here?" Oz asked.  
  
"I doubt it," Xander said. "They keep on falling over. I don't think they'd make it up the stairs."  
  
Oz nodded. "I'm going to shower."  
  
"Then can we go?" Xander said, still looking nervously out the window and shifting from foot to foot. Oz decided not to mention that it might be wise for Xander to (a) shower, (b) get dressed and (c) stop looking longingly at him. He went into the bathroom, and Xander hunted for weapons.  
  
This time, Oz and partially dressed Xander got passed the lemmings by throwing a towel over them and running over it. It was an extremely effective method, although the lemmings did make rather unpleasant squelching noises, and the towel was no longer usable.  
  
"We never paid the bill!" Xander yelped, as they began to drive. Oz deemed it inappropriate to mention that they had no money, and that teenaged boys were supposed to do unlawful things. He nodded sagely. Xander stared out the window. The car drove. This went on for quite a while. Xander spent time admiring Oz from the corner of his eye, remembering last night, and trying to devise new lemming-defeating methods. Eventually he had to pee, so they pulled over in the middle of nowhere. Oz wondered why they hadn't thought to bring food.  
  
They leant back against the car in the sun, feeling it beat down on their faces. Xander calmly stopped worrying about lemmings and began to worry instead about whether or not Oz liked him.  
  
"Um...Oz?" he said eventually.  
  
"Yes, Xand?" Oz asked patiently.  
  
"You that thing that happened last night? Well I kind of liked that thing and I was wondering if you did too...and if you did we could um do that thing again because I did. Like it I mean." Xander stuttered.  
  
"You're surpassing my dear girl Willow's stuttering skills there," Oz remarked calmly.  
  
"Will's cheating on you!" Xander said quickly. "Will you please just kiss me?"  
  
"Willow isn't cheating," Oz said firmly.  
  
"No, she worships the ground you walk on, but please kiss me," Xander said.  
  
Oz looked over and smiled at him slowly. "Well, she did kiss you once, so maybe I should return the favour," he said. And then they snogged again. It was fun. Their mouths were all moist and their tongues wormed together, and they both groaned at appropriate moments. Oz even nibbled Xander's ear, and Xander went weak at the knees and had to lean on Oz. They kissed until the sun had changed direction and they could hear high-pitched lemming squeaks from far away and Xander was trying to ignore his slowly erecting erection.  
  
"We'd better go," Oz said.  
  
"Can we kiss some more in the car?" Xander said hopefully. Oz rolled his eyes and they set off. Oz played a tape of some masculine metal-type music, complete with screamed curses and a catchy base line. It made Xander very uncomfortable. Oz switched to Madonna and Xander brightened up considerably.  
  
"You're a sad man, Xand," Oz said. Xander mouthed the lyrics and ignored him. "Willow likes it too," he added.  
  
Xander looked at him a bit worriedly. "Look," he said, "we're teenagers, what's more, we're male teenagers. We're not supposed to have any moral standing."  
  
Oz laughed. "But I do!" he said. "But I like you lots more than Willow, and it's not good to go with someone you're never going to do it with, so I'll break up with her kindly."  
  
"How did you make it all suddenly sound like you were being noble?" Xander said incredulously.  
  
"I have talent," said Oz. "Let's kiss."  
  
So they did. And it was settled. And Willow looks much cuter with Tara anyway.  
  
In the next part (if I ever get around to writing it): Some stand offs with pistol equipped wannabe mafia lemmings, food scavenging, and lots of snogging.  
  
Reviews rock. Thanks for them, gimme more! 


	3. In Which they Argue about Farmers, Run O...

Part the Third In which they argue about farmers, run over pistol wielding lemmings, and do some casual law-breaking 

They parked the van in a back lane, shrouded in trees. It seemed very likely that lemmings would find them, as they were not stopped by roads signs, but less likely that people rambling on about private property and such would appear out of nowhere, in the middle of the night, with pitchforks. Or maybe not pitchforks, but Dobermans. Something unpleasant.

"I'd rather be woken by a scary farmer with a rottweiler, than a lemming," Xander said.

"When have I failed to save you from lemmings?" Oz asked calmly.

"Well…I suppose that's true," Xander said. "But you can **reason** with farmers."

"No you can't."

"Maybe."

"No."

"Give it time."

"Never."

"But farmers have brains!"

"So do lemmings."

"Farmers are capable of speech!" Xander declared.

"**So are lemmings**!" Oz shouted.

"**Coherent** speech."

"Why are you so pro-farmer anyway?" Oz asked.

"They're better than lemmings anyway. I'm hungry," Xander added.

"Me too. But we're stuck in nowhere."

"We could drive some more."

"I'm tired," Oz said, in what was, almost, surprisingly, a whine.

"Me too," said Xander. "But we'll be hungrier and crankier in the morning."

"You could drive," Oz suggested.

"Mm," Xander said. Thing was, Xander was afraid of driving. Which may have seemed a bit ridiculous, but there you go, he was. Possibly he had had a traumatic experience in his children. He couldn't remember, and, unfortunately, he couldn't find his character bio anywhere. Probably lost it under the couch in a film studio in another dimension.

"Why not?" Oz asked.

"I'd prefer not to say," Xander replied quietly.

"Why not?" Oz said again.

"Cos?"

"Cos."

"Why? I'm tired."

"Fine then. I'm scared," Xander admitted. "I'll hit something and die."

"Here is Smallville?" Oz said. "You'd only hit a sheep. And then the sheep'd die, but you'd be fine."

"I see your point," Xander agreed. "Let's rock and roll."

Xander tentatively took the wheel. It was still warm from Oz's grasp. He calmly tried to remember everything he'd ever learnt in school, and then tried to reverse out, uncalmly and desperately trying to remember how to reverse.

Suddenly they saw, in the middle of the road, a long line of lemmings sitting calmly and squeaking eagerly. Something about suicide. Xander wondered randomly why creatures that were so obsessed with dying so desperately wanted to kill him.

"Run 'em over, Xand," Oz said, supportively squeezing his arm, and thinking about grabbing the wheel.

But then there was a ping- ping -ping as bullets rained against the glass. They didn't break the window. Lemmings are very small, and were only equipped with miniscule pistols. But still, it was unnerving.

"Keep going…keep going…" Oz calmly cajoled.

Xander kept driving. There was a sudden series of little bumps under the car and a ping-ing as the bullets hit the bottom, and then the lemmings had turned into lemon curd.

"Wahoo!" Oz yelled, encouraging and completely out of character. He kissed Xander on the cheek, and Xander screeched to a sudden halt, and turned and kissed Oz firmly on the lips. Oz opened his mouth, and Xander worked his tongue in, and Xander pulled him closer to him, and their mouths opened wider, and Xander felt hornier and hornier, and then his elbow hit the car horn and the sound brought him out of his snog-fest.

"C'mon. Food," Oz said.

"There are other things I'm more interested in eating," Xander said, suggestively raising his eyebrows. Oz burst out laughing. Well. It did sound pretty funny coming from Xander.

"Yep, you do that," Oz spluttered vaguely, "drive, man."

Eventually they found a village-type place, which seemed to consist of a hardware shop, and a hardware-groceries combo. Both, of course, were closed.

"Dammit!" Xander yelped.

"I think this calls for a little casual breaking and entering," Oz said, getting out of the car.

"But… but…" Xander said in amazement.

'But' indeed. Oz was hungry, and he and his band had done some vague and not particularly harmful breaking and entering in their time. Oz calmly broke in, (there amazingly wasn't even an alarm), and brought back bread, cheese, ham, apples, and mountains of chocolate to the shocked and quivering Xander who was trying to impress Oz by looking like he joined in on this sort of thing everyday. It wasn't working. They dumped the food in the back of the car and squealed of into the distance, leaving the shop open, and ready to be pillaged some more by hungry angry lemmings.

A/n: Well, that was utterly random rubbish. If you want more like it, review me! 


End file.
